Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy 2009

10.36pm. My two men are sleeping soundly and I am having a glass of wine and trying to watch the Sex and the City Marathon.

This time last year, Rich and I were on Coogee beach watching the fireworks and drinking champagne. I remember we made a wish at midnight and Richard saying 'babydust' when the fireworks exploded. Little did we know two months later our wish had come true.

2008 has been a fantastic year. One of the very best.

I'll always remember 2008 as the year our dreams came true and we became parents.

I hope 2008 has been a great year for you and 2009 brings you everything you deserve.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Heart wide open

Today I realised that when you have a child, their pain becomes your pain.

We had to go to the hospital for Liam to have an ultrasound on his spine and bum to check out his sacral dimple. It sounds simple enough for you and me, but a three week old didn't like it one little bit. I hated every moment of it. He had to lay on his tummy which he doesn't like at the best of times and have cold gel but on his back and bum while a student sonographer tried to count his vertabrae and took her sweet time doing it.

The only way I could stop the relentless screaming was by singing in his ear and holding his hand. I couldn't stop crying and my boobs were killing me and I forgot to put breast pads in my bra before I left.

Once we got home he'd forgotten all about and was happy in his crib looking at his mobile. I made Rich go to the bottle shop to buy me a bottle of wine.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Going on a jet plane

Richard booked tickets yesterday for me and Liam to head back to Perth for two weeks in February. I AM SO EXCITED. The fares were a bargain as well, $140 each way which is pretty unheard of really.

Richard can't get time off work as he is saving his leave for when his parents get here in March, so it will be me and the little man. Its a 6am flight on a Wednesday morning so I am hoping he will still be asleep when we board.

I feel a bit nervous about taking Liam on a plane trip on my own. But I am sure it will be a lot of fun as well. I can't wait to introduce him to his cousins and for my dad to finally meet him. Mum suggested to me last night we get dad to babysit him for the morning while we head out somewhere but I am not ready to leave him at all! I know my dad would be fine with him but I'd miss him too much. I'm still psyching myself up to head out to the beauticians tomorrow morning for an hour.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Mother Guilt

I am thinking today that Mum Guilt must be something they feed you intravenously when you give birth.

I've spent the best part of the week feeling guilty. Guilty about Liam's routine (or lack thereof or me totally confusing him each day), guilty about alternating between breast and bottle when I think I should be sticking to one or the other, guilty for wanting extra sleep, guilty for wanting to get a pedicure before Richard goes back to work, guilty for snapping at Richard today and just plain mad at myself.

I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is the total loss of control I feel. Before Liam I prided myself on being organised and remembering things. Now I am lucky if I have the mental clarity to read the paper each day. Time passes by so quickly and sometimes there are just not enough hours in the day.

I love my little boy so much it hurts. I actually miss him while he's sleeping. And I know right now, this is just a little phase we are going through as we try to work one another out and get into our groove. I am positive most mothers go through this.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas as a family of three

I've never been a huge fan of Christmas, but can I say this Christmas was just beautiful.

I think there was a reason God made sure Liam came into our lives in December. He's made me realise what an amazing time Christmas is and what we should appreciate and value in our lives. Even when we were in hospital and I was pacing the ward with his crib at 3am trying to get him to fall asleep, I had a new appreciation for the stockings outside the rooms and the twinkly Christmas tree.

Yesterday we opened up Liam's presents with him and I just loved it. Then the three of us had lunch, watched 'Its a Beautiful Life' and then had dinner at our neighbours house. It'll be the last Christmas we spend together as just the three of us before we head back to Perth.

I hope you all had a fantastic day and I wish you and your families a Merry Christmas and good things to come in 2009.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


I think my bubba is going through a growth spurt.

Lately he has become very fatty boomba which pleases me no end as I was dying to get some meat on his little legs. His second chin is very evident and I have to hold his head back to wash underneath it.

We have been giving Liam showers with Richard as he loves them. We bought a Fisher Price Aquarium Bath with a sling before he was born. He hates it. Last night I had to bath him in that before Richard came home from work and the design of the bath just doesn't suit his length and I don't feel too confident taking him into the shower on my own without Richard watching us. So today I am going to go and buy a big plastic tub and see how we go.

After the whole bathtime routine at 5.30pm, Liam decided he didn't want to go to sleep till midnight last night. Nothing I did would settle him and he decided headbutting my boob would be a nice thing to try! Eventually he drifted off after I sung How Much Is That Doggy In The Window while patting his tummy.

Oh sleep. I miss you.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A new week

Richard goes back to work for two and a half days this week before breaking again for Xmas.

I'm determined to be organised this week. I've just been so tired this weekend though, I really need to make an effort to have an afternoon nap because it makes all the difference. I don't actually mind getting up in the middle of the night, as its starting to form a pattern now, 2am, 4am, 5am and 6.30am - it just depends on how quickly he settles after he wakes up and has been fed.
Each day Liam seems to be doing something new. New sounds, new faces and I've noticed he has a dimple in his cheek like his dad. He's going to have a great smile. I find it amazing how much more you love them each day and how much I've missed him while I've been asleep.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Express Christmas Shopping

Today the three of us were busy. We went and visited my work to show off Liam and I can quite easily say I would be very happy to never go back there again. I just don't miss work at all or the people. Sure, some of them are nice, but its recruitment and everyone seems to have a little act. Liam was a hit, but I could feel myself get a bit narky with the girls I worked with.

Questions like:

'Does giving birth hurt?'

'Are babies born with nails? Liam has long nails doesn't he?'

'His face is going red, he must be doing a poo'

Maybe it was just tiredness on my part, but I couldn't wait to get out of there. My boss is a 26 year old psychologist with no children at all, and even he was trying to give me and Richard advice today on Liam. The cracker was that Johnson's Baby Powder causes Asthma. If it does why do they still sell it? I like to rub a little onto my hands and put some on Liam's chest after his shower because it smells shoot me....

After that we headed to Bondi Junction to do some Xmas shopping. This month has flown by and if it wasn't for my mum putting up the Xmas tree when she was here, we wouldn't have done it. We'd got some cards written and sent those off today so we feel a little less guilty. As for Xmas presents, we decided that we would buy one gift each for each other and that was it, because its been a massive month and Liam is our Xmas anyway.

In the end, Liam decided he needed to be fed, LIKE NOW, so in the time it took me to change a full nappy and do a breastfeed in the parents room, Richard had completed all of our Xmas shopping for the Spillane family. I feel terrible as I haven't even got Richard a surprise present but he knew what he wanted and just bought it!

On the ride home I apologised to Richard that I don't have the energy for massive amounts of Xmas shopping this year. Each year I've loved getting all of his presents together and putting them under the tree for him to shake and look at. Bless him, he's completely fine with it and said as long as its the three of us on Xmas day, that's all that matters.

I also realised today that on the 12th of this month, it was our 5 year anniversary and we'd both completely forgotten it!

I'm hoping our brains will return to normal at some point.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Jon and Kate Plus 8

The great thing about breastfeeding at the moment is that it is allowing me to catch up on some tv. Foxtel got a bit depressing for a while but now its closer to Xmas, there are a lot of good shows coming up.

One show I love in particular is Jon and Kate Plus 8. Jon and Kate have a set of twin girls and a set of sextuplets. Kate is a control freak and has a healthy dose of OCD when it comes to organising her kids, but I am in admiration of the way she does it all. Her husband is patient and very loving and the kids are just beautiful.

I hit a wall every afternoon at 3pm due to lack of sleep with Liam, so I when I sit down at 3.30pm each day to watch it, I wonder how Jon and Kate aren't sleeping zombies.

I think it would be fantastic to have 8 kids if you had the money, space, patience and youth on your side, but for now I am happy with my family of three, although I would love to do it all over again in the next couple of years and give Liam a sister or brother.

I can't believe I am saying that after two weeks!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I've always been a worrier but I think since becoming a mum its stepped up ten-fold.

Today we had a visit from the health nurse for Liam's newborn check. I think its the last visit of medical personnel traipsing through the house. This morning I greeted the nurse in my bathrobe with poo on the sleeve. Fetching! I think she has seen it all before.

Liam is great and has gained weight and grown in all the right places. When she did his check on the change table its all I can do to not stand on her freckle while she is doing his hip checks and reflexes. I have to remind myself to stand back and let her do her job.

The nurse mentioned something about a sacral dimple which is my latest worry. I've made an appointment at the GP tomorrow morning to set my mind at ease. Apparently its very common in newborns but that won't make me sleep any easier tonight. All of this sleep deprivation is also causing me to dream at night that Liam is in bed between me and Richard and then I wake up, half-asleep, panicking, trying to find Liam in the bed, only to realise he is perfectly settled in his bassinette at the foot of the bed and he hasn't woken at all, he's sleeping soundly. It must be a combination of hormones and lack of sleep that makes me think like this.

Richard and I got a few hours extra sleep this afternoon. It really makes all the difference and I've noticed we aren't as short tempered with each other when we are under pressure. He's just been amazing and has taken to fatherhood so naturally. I am really going to miss him when he goes back to work on Monday. Arrghhh...I won't think about that till Sunday now.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Body after baby

This morning before my shower I surveyed my body in the mirror.

Its funny not being pregnant anymore. I do miss my pregnant belly. I had really gotten used to how my body looked. I'm not pregnant but its still not quite my body if that makes sense.

In the last two weeks of pregnancy my lower abdomen sprouted heaps of stretch marks. I thought I had got away with it, but I didn't. They appeared on my hips and then made their way in. Not that I mind too much. My bikini days were over a long time ago and I know they will fade eventually. I'm a 34 year old mum, not a 19 year old string bikini model.

What does interest me though is that I have always had a pot belly and post pregnancy, its not there anymore or where a belly should be. Instead its gravitated south and developed into that word I hate to say...OVERHANG. Lovely. Richard reckons its really 'cute'. I think I need to learn how to do stomach crunches when my stomach muscles repair themselves from the c-section.

Anyway, my body will slowly make its way back to normal. That's not my focus right now, this little man is:

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Saturday night

9.25pm. Liam has finally gone to sleep.

Last night we decided to have a look at Save our Sleep and see if we could implement the one to two week old routine today. Our day started off well, even if it was an hour earlier. I'm conscious he is so little so I am trying also just to give Liam what he needs. If its an extra feed, so be it. I'm of the belief you can't spoil a newborn at all.

I hate waking him up. It kills me, but he's gone to bed tonight at a good time. I've even managed to have dinner with Richard and have a small glass of champagne. And there is a Sex and the City marathon on!

Saturday nights are so different now although I was a proper nanna before Liam anyway. We had lots of visitors over today (hence why I am buggered) and I've had no idea what's gone on in the real world for the past week. I can't remember the last time I watched the news!

Poo and Wee

I've become obsessed with Liam's body waste this week.

I'm amazed at how much there is of it.

Midwife yesterday.

'How long has it been since Liam's last poo?'

Me: 'His last was Monday morning' (me feeling like the worst mother in the world).

Midwife: 'Oh, okay. Well babies can go a few days without poo's. Especially breastfed babies'.

Me: (Feeling very guilty as I have done a few midnight hour formula feeds on top of breastfeeds and wonder if I should mention this). 'Well I'm hoping its soon, but he has lots of pale, wet nappies'.

Richard: Right on cue. 'JO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'.

The poo explosion to end them all. I swear we went through a packet of wipes. This stuff just keeps on COMING! It oozes out of him. But you never saw two happier parents. 'That's my boy!' Richard said.

While we are cleaning this massive orrifice explosion the midwife tells me she wants me to lay down and check my c-section scar. I am torn, Richard and Liam need me. Can't she see?

The midwives and aftercare have been fanastic. But I am glad its all done now. I always felt like I was getting marked out of 10 when they came over. And I was hiding the dummy and formula before they entered the flat.

But they seem very happy with him. I can't wait to get him weighed next Tuesday, I hope he's put on weight. He seems happy and I swear I can see another little chin emerging.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Love sweet Love

A week has now gone by since Liam James John Spillane entered our lives.

Its been the biggest week of our lives that Richard and I have ever experienced.

I still can't believe he is here, but its like he has always been here in our hearts, and now he's here in front of us, for real.

I am tired, hormonal and easily break into tears at least twice a day. For no good reason at all, this morning I cried because my cup of tea tasted so good and I cried again this afternoon while me and Liam were having a little dance in his nursery to Marvin Gaye. I am playing the music today I put together for the birth, which is probably not helping my cause very much is it?

I can't remember ever being so happy in my life. I look at things now differently. Everything in life feels more beautiful, more infinite, it has more possibility than ever before. I watch Liam cluck at my boob while feeding and I gently comb his hair behind his ear and feel my heart explode. I watch Richard at 3am in the morning, gently singing to him and ask myself what I did right to deserve this. I thank God every day he's allowed me to have Liam safely and bring him into such a loving marriage.

So, week one has passed by very well. Its been a week of lows and highs and the real work hasn't even started yet. But I love it. I really do love it.