Saturday, March 14, 2009

A bad start to the day

Oh I am having one of those days.

Last night Richard and I argued again when we got into bed. I know his parents want to spend as much time with Liam as possible, but I'm kinda getting shoved in the corner. Yesterday they wanted him for the whole day and encouraged me to spend a day on my own, so I went and got some stuff done which is hard to do with a baby and went shopping. I wandered around like a nomad for the best part of 5 hours and started to get teary every time I saw a pram or baby. I ended up buying Liam more clothes that he doesn't need.

When I got home I was aching to hold him. I said to Richard when I got into bed that its so hard for me to hand him over, I'm so used to spending every minute with him. So then it all being too controlling of every situation, me not being trusting of his parents etc. I hate arguing with him.

The thing is, my in laws are beautiful people, very sweet, very kind and very generous. But its a big stretch to have them stay for 7 weeks in a small space. They like to fall asleep on the couch after dinner but will wake up when I bring Liam out for his dream feed and watch me feed him and talk loudly to him when all I want to do is feed him and get him back into bed again.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm learning in marriage that one can't criticise the others parents. It just immediately gets the others back up.

At 5am I woke up because I thought I heard Liam cry. But when I looked in his crib he was fine. Baby dream maybe. I went to go to the toilet and the biggest hugest spider was on the door and scared the hell out of me. I had to wake Richard to get rid of it and then him and his dad spent another 30 minutes trying to coax it out from behind the fridge. Liam started screaming again so I fed him. At this point my back started playing up. During labour, I had an epidural but it took 3 tries to get it in and I've had these attacks of pain where the lower half of my body spasms into pain. By 6.30am I was in tears and screaming in pain, the whole thing felt like labour again so Richard rushed me to the emergency department where I had to get treated. I have to have a MRI scan this week as its the fourth time this has happened but this was the worst by far.

Tonight the four of us are going out to Paddington for dinner and I have my neighbour Jo coming to sit Liam. I really don't want to go out. I just want to snuggle up to Liam and watch him sleep.

I need to sort myself out. I'm not liking the way I am right now and something needs to change because its affecting everyone around me.


stepforddreams said...

I think your feelings are comepletely ok Jo and I don't think you need to change at all. With or without a baby, I doubt you will find anyone who would be comfortable sharing a 2 bedroom unit with another couple for 7 weeks. Family or not. It is just too close. Add a newborn to that mix and whoah it is full on.

I haven't let my 14 month old for more than 3 hours in one go and that was only when I knew she was asleep. I find it too stressful. I wander about in a daze like you mentioned. I miss her and I want to be next to her. It is completely normal, and in your case expected- he is only still a newbie!! He has been stuck to you for 9 months and now he is here it is not controlling to need to be near him. It is 100% normal I promise you. I'm no feral hairy hippie, you know that, but even I couldn't handle that so I think Rich needs to sit down and maybe read this so he knows your feelings are normal maternal insticts. Hope your back gets better asap.

Amy said...

Oh Jo :( you poor thing.

I totally know how you feel about having to hand Liam over. That is a total valid feeling and I think most mums feel it. Its just an ache. I try so hard to tell myself not to be "selfish" but I always feel like it and I find I get short tempered the longer I dont get time with Elka.

It sounds like you are going out of your way to make sure that they have time with Liam. Dont beat yourself up. Of course he needs his mum. Just keep communicating with your hubby so that he has a chance to understand where your emotions are.

I am so sorry to hear about your back too - I really hope the MRI can get to the bottom of it all. xoxo